Escape to the Country

Not your traditional ‘Game Pie Weekend’ Escape to the Country:

Most people dream of the great escape; its not surprising when the majority of London workers spend eight hours+ a day staring at their computer screen and the rest of the day staring out an industrial size window at the grey, rainy skyline.

I can appreciate that there’s a brooding beauty to the London skyline but most of the time all I can see is some sort of Gotham / Blade Runner dystopia.

I mean, come on Trellick Tower and The Barbican depict a 1960’s obsession with concrete.

Don’t even get me started on the giant dicks in the sky, (The Shard, Gherkin, the Walkie Talkie…the umm Cheese grater?)

… I have an odd line up of ex’s okay?

So what do you do when you’re stuck in London with no money to fly away to a new city? It’s obvious, convince your mates to get rid of their parents for the weekend and take full advantage of their country estate!

*CAUTION: If staying in an adult’s couple million + gaff will make you feel depressed due to the economic climate, the housing market, Brexit, your shit wage, Trump, the fact you will never be able to buy a property without a hand out or all of the above please just stay at home.

 If you do fancy getting out of the city, here’s a step by step guide on how to ‘Escape to the Country’.

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  1. The Right Pals

I could escape to the country any time that I want, but that would mean just sitting with my parents watching Top Gear for 5 hours a day and trying not to freak out when I hold my sisters baby.

Nothing wrong with seeing the family but Escaping to the Country should be about getting rowdy with the lads.

I mean… having a girly catch up with my BAES?

It doesn’t really matter, I’m just talking about getting a solid group together, none of which are going to mind having a cig in the kitchen or wearing shoes on the carpet or ask you stupid questions like ‘what do you want to do with your life?’

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2. Dogs

An absolutely crucial part of any weekend in the country is dogs.

Swarms of them.

If you don’t have a dog on you, just borrow one. There’s literally a website called Borrow My Doggy or if you have pretty loose morals, just you know, go to the park…

Please return all borrowed dogs.

Don’t be a monster

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3. Dress to Impress

This is a necessity. If you went to the country and didn’t wear a Barbour/ Hunters did you even go to the country?

Or alternatively if you didn’t spend the whole weekend in a vintage sheepskin coat, smoking roll ups and desperately trying not to get you latest pair of ‘sick creps’ muddy, did you even go to the country?

Throwback to Bodnar ‘Escape to the Kentry 2016’, those suede shoes will never be the same.

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4. Pub Walk

Its entirely mandatory.

Just shut up and do it.

You’ll be cold and desperate for a beer but the chat should be quite good and the view should be hella pretty.

Plus when you reach your destination (the pub) you’ll feel full of a sense of accomplishment, pride and pure joy.  You earned that pint you bloody athlete you.

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5. Food

One of three things happen with the food.

  1. Somebody is either really on it and prepares a marvellous feast for everyone to idly sit down and enjoy over pleasant conversation and a nice bottle of wine. Damn you’re so good at adulting, you should probably take lots of photos to show your parents so they’ll finally be proud of you after that whole 2:2 debacle.
  1. Someone tried to be Jamie Oliver but got too pissed, stopped caring, all the food is burnt so we got full on beer and banter.

(There’s normally some sort of food fight where those carcinogenic chips become perfect bullets).

  1. Nobody made any plans, everyone bought junk food and you sit around at 9pm already too pissed shoving copious amounts of Doritos into your mouth chatting about how much you miss university but could never go back and how you’re 95% sure that the guy you just started seeing is a complete fuck boy.

 6.Playlist

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There’s always at least one isn’t there? That guy or girl who’s just made a ‘sick new playlist’, or knows this really ‘cool band you have to check out’. You know spends a lot of time on Spotify discover / Soundcloud/ stalking cool people on Facebook.

Or you know, there’s a circa 2001 vibe going on.

Either way you’ve got to get something playing to help you forget the fact that you left the rush and buzz of London to sit in a house in a field a 45minute drive away from a pub let alone anywhere playing decent music.

It was your own choice though mate.

Just keep drinking …

Maybe get new mates?

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7. Fireworks

It’s socially acceptable to play with fireworks from November all the way to February in my eyes. Let’s say from Bonfire night all the way to Valentines.

The nights are long, its cold, fireworks are pretty and fun. Go nuts.

Although we did singe a nice garden table.

And we had a couple of burns between us…

So be careful ya?

But at the same time it has always been funny and always well be funny to launch a firework from your bottom. Your bottom not my bottom… obviously.

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8. Hot Debate

I don’t know when I started discussing politics when I was drunk… I blame university.

Probably when I was doing that philosophy module.

The same module where I met the ex boyfriend who preached about feminism and how we needed to break the patriarchy whilst simultaneously objectifying any girl he ever met.

You know the type…

With everything from Brexit to dank memes to debate about most social gatherings these days start with a cloud of smoke around a table with the cheapest booze at the highest percentage debating how our generation is fucked, why we all have some pretty frosty anxiety and low – key depression, will never pay back student loans, oh and how our 9-5 job’s are pointless as fuck because there’s no way we’ll ever be as successful as our parents.

Not that I’m that bothered about it.

Then the debate turns to something a bit more entertaining like ‘The Hunt’ as people compare their latest shoots in front of the vegan.

But seriously someone will have to go and regularly check the Grouse’s hanging up in the stables because if they get too toasty you wont be making that game pie.

Thankfully slowly people stop giving a fuck about the future at only want to violently dance to sandstorm… thank you Jesus for alcohol.

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9. Duvet Day

There’s nothing better than hiding away from the rest of the world and into a big lounge room with good friends when your hung-over.

What’s even better than a spoon?

A group spoon.

Hangover days are meant for quiet time with a classic film like Star Wars or the Devil Wears Prada (depending on the general vibe).

Savour these Sundays because when they’re over you all have to part and head back to reality before work on Monday…

It’s been great guys.

BUT GET ME BACK TO BLOODY LONDON!!

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